The Disadvantages of Being a Wallflower. (a review)

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is probably one of my favorite books. I think I have read it three times in the last two years? I read it a lot when I was in my not-so-happy stage because it was very relatable and it calmed me down. 

Tonight I went and saw the movie. Overall I thought it was very well done. The acting was just awkward enough that it fit the overall tone of the book. Stephen Chbosky directed so obviously it wasn't going to be bad. 

Basically I think if you have read this book, go see it because it's not very different from the book at all. If you have not read it, I suggest reading it first or you may be a bit lost. Secondly, I recommend not seeing it until you're mentally stable enough to handle it. 

I've been completely fine for like a year now and I still had to leave at the end. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm having an off day. Or maybe the acting was just that good. 


--



"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Fruity Rant (note this is not a serious entry)

I have a serious problem with restaurants and stores that sell gross mushy looking fruit. I feel like that should be a health code violation or something. Why the hell would you buy something that is honestly just bad? I mean, I'm obviously an exception because I was starving and it was convenient but im almost certain my stomach will be pissed off at me later... 

I hereby swear that if I see gross fruit like this at any type of vendor/store/etc, I will personally take the fruit and throw it in the faces of the people who put it there. 


I have no inspirational quotes for this entry except for this,

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." 

Thank you for your time. 

My Mind is a Washing Machine.

Let me tell you a little bit about this stupid bitch of a time called my panic attacks. Basically the whole thing is one giant cycle. It doesn't stop once it starts. So I literally am just spinning like clothes in a washing machine. If you could see my thoughts, you'd get dizzy. It starts with anxiety about anything really nothing relevant or important or worth getting anxious over. Just happens. Then comes the frustration that this keeps happening and that I really don't know how to stop it. The frustration leads to leads to wanting to reach out to someone and ask for help but then leads to feeling like no one wants to help. This leads to even more frustration. Which then goes back to anxiety. 

It doesn't stop. it's a great time. it pisses me off. I literally cannot get motivated to do anything. I cannot focus or even think clearly. So I'll sleep until it goes away. Then I will wake up and feel better. So i'll do this now. 


Goodnight. 


--

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
- Søren Kierkegaard,

We're all Mad Here

It has come to my attention that you can apparently have anxiety attacks while your sleeping. I ran out of pills and so I haven't taken them in about three days. At this point in time, I am the definition of mad. 

        It's amazing how well this medication actually works. A lot of doctors try and steer you clear of medication because it really does change your personality completely. I am a prime example of this. I'm sitting in class right now writing this because I cannot focus on anything. My mind almost feels like jello,  nothing is making sense and im extremely numb this morning. 
        When I'm on my meds, I'm a pretty bubbly person. I have the mood swings of a normal teenage girl but nothing super unusual. For awhile while I was taking my meds, I could have sworn that I was actually getting better. But as you can see from this post. I am not. Medication masks the symptoms. It does not solve the problem. 
       That seems really sad if you think about it but in all honesty I'd rather mask my symptoms, and people not think i'm insane rather than cry in class everyday and pass out for no reason. All in all, I just wanna take my meds. It sucks that I have to be completely different until I take them. I'm so different some people won't have anything to do with me until I take my pills again because I guess they're afraid of me when I breakdown. It sucks that very few people can handle me at my worst. 

Summary: Medication and being normal > No medication and being crazy. 
----

“Are you crazy? It's a common phrase, I know. But it means something particular to me: the tunnels, the security screens, the plastic forks, the shimmering, ever-shifting borderline that like all boundaries beckons and asks to be crossed. I do not want to cross it again.” 
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

August 4th

There were tornados everywhere. I probably could have escaped from them but I didn't want to? For some reason I conquered my fear of storms? Which doesn't make any sense to me. Then I was at a carnival type thing, but again it was a huge carnival and I was alone. But more alone then last nights dream, I could steal things, and walk through people and no one would even flinch. I was a ghost. Im not sure if that means I have no purpose here or maybe I'm actually dead and just chillin, or maybe I'm just super alone. There was also slight cheating but not as much as before, more of just friendly conversation. So maybe that means I'm feeling better about that? I dunno. still food though. carnival food. 




hm. i don't know.

August 3rd

I haven't posted in awhile because well I stopped sleeping all together. But the nightmares, i'm afraid, have returned. Last night took all my fears and worries to a whole new level. I wont rewrite the whole dream but basically give you the main details and what they mean..


Huge party that stretched across the length of two football fields. (always being alone no matter how many people are there)


a fight or riot broke out at the party (the negativity in the media is killing me.)


"they" cut circles in my arms. all over my arms. (im in pain)


food, lots of food. (i hate being fat)


cheating (worried i'm gonna lose him) 


things aren't going very well. I feel funny a lot. I like being home more than I should. I just wanna stop growing up i guess.

July 14th (hate, hate, hate)

Last night was all about criticism. I'm in a park of some sort, but there's a party going on. People from high school are there. But every time I see one of them, they point and laugh at me. Then I'm sitting on a bench and a group of three girls who I will not name come up and surround me. They tell me how ugly and fat I am. They laugh and spit at me. I run away unable to fight back. Then I'm at a baseball game where my Dad is playing baseball. He is up to bat and my grandma, my mom, and I are standing right behind him. He gets a strike, turns around to see us, and yells to get out of here. I run out of the park towards a tree across the street. I climb the tree to the highest branch and watch the world go beneath me. There is fighting. Animals are dying. People are screaming and crying. I wake up.

July 9th (nap midday terrors)

It's not from my point of view this time. There's a girl with black hair. she's sitting on the porch waiting for someone to answer the door. Finally two guys answer and throw bottles at her. They break against her head and then they keep beating her. The scene changes and I guess she dies because then I'm in her place and i'm her but i can also see her at the same time. I'm in a grave yard. One of those old ones with statues of angels and demons all over the place. I'm wrapped up in bandages and gauze like a mummy and I have to stare into the eyes of the angel statues and I can't blink or else they blind me and kill me. My eyes burn but I start to control them. One by one they dissolve but then the others get stronger. Time jumps ahead and I am no longer the girl but viewing from a distance again. Two girls walk into the grave yard when the girl from before rises from her grave, her bandages disintegrating and falling off her body. She floats above them and her eyes are on fire. The rest of the statues begin to come alive and their eyes begin catching on fire as well. The scene goes black and I hear screams and screeches. This goes on for awhile and I wake up.

July 9th (jealous)

we were doing a show in my old school. I don't even know why. She was there, and he was there. and i was there. She yelled and told me what a bitch i was. He said she was right. I don't wanna write about this anymore. 

July 8th (trying to do some good)

I'm trying to ride through this path to get back to a family reunion at someone's house that I have never been to. I have to ride a horse/dog/thing there but sometimes it won't go fast or it just stops all together. I get lost and these little troll like people are chasing me the whole way. Finally I make it back to the house and everyone is there including Jeremy but then we all have to do school work except mine is done already. So Jeremy ignores me even after he finishes his work so i get mad at him but then he's like oh it's okay you're moving. I wake up...then go throw up some


--


I have to live in this house that looks like a trailer park on the outside but really it's just a little apartment thing. It was lexi's old room and I have to live by myself now. I want to do something with it so I decide to turn it into a children's day care center since all I found in the room were little dolls. I go searching for wallpaper and find a box of things from my childhood where wallpaper is supposed to be stored. As i'm going through the wallpaper selections there are horrifying pictures of statues with no eyes and angels being eaten by fish. The rest of the dream is fuzzy. and I wake up.

July 2nd (again?)

I forgot to add another dream I had this morning because I was a little too upset to think about anything else. Nothing exciting really but I had the voices dream again. But this time it was different. An elderly women was screaming my name but not like a sweet elderly women. A witchy type. Her screams caused me to wake up with horrible chillsweats. It didn't last long like it usually does but still I wish these ones would stop.

July 2nd (reliving memories)

One night I went with my family and a big group of other people to Red Lobster for dinner. No reason, just because. Well I will never go to red lobster with a big group again. That night was my first panic attack/breakdown in public. For some reason everyone thought it would be cool to gang up on me the whole dinner. They even got the waiter in on it. Telling me how stupid and incapable I was. I screamed fuck you and ran. I don't regret it. I was hurt. I spent the remainder of the time in the bathroom. Then people got mad at me because well I never figured that out. They never said why or apologized. I just got sent out to the car. Cause it was obviously my fault. Well that was one of the most humiliating times in my life. I try to forget it but for some reason, last night I dreamt it. 




awesome. 

July 1st (bugs and parties)

i'm at a party. I'm not exactly sure whose but I know I've been there before. The house is white with brown shutters. An upper middle class type of house. There's a knock on the door so I go to answer it and It's boy1 with his friends and he's so drunk. But standing next to him is his twin or clone or whatever (weird cause he doesn't have a twin) and the twin is 100% sober. Drunk boy is on the verge of passing out and I need to take him to the hospital. Sober boy says I don't need to and drags his twin away. I wake up.


-- 


I'm at dinner with some people I really don't know. I have a bowl in my hand filled with milk or something. I get up and take it to the bathroom. I throw it away, bowl and all. Then there's a big scale. in the center of the bathroom. Every time a girl walks in she discretely steps on the scale. I want to step on it. See what damage has been done but I step on it and one of the people I'm having dinner with sees me. She stares at me confused. I say nothing but she continues to stare. She asks me if I got discharged. (from what? i'm not sure? hospital i guess) I say yes and leads me back to this family that is not mine. The scene switches to some sort of track. We're riding these carts down this big winding road but its so hard to control. I try to drag my feet but I just can't. I have to keep repeating this but every time there is a different person in my cart. I wake up.


--


Im in my house. My mom is cleaning but comes upstairs saying that there is a bug downstairs, ripping the wings off a bird. I sneak down the stairs to see and a dragon fly but smaller is ripping the wings off a bird just like she said. It doesn't look ferocious but it's actions are. The bird cries. Mom tells me I can't go near it or else it will rip my wings off. I continue throughout the rest of the dream running from it. I wake up.

June 30th (cupcakes)

last night I dreamt of cupcakes. Food. I ate so much. They were vanilla cupcakes with the sweetest and creamiest vanilla icing swirled on top. Each had a different color cherry. I had four cupcakes and I didn't even feel guilty about it. I then had a cake. a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing, and then a raspberry cheesecake. best dream i've had in a long time. I kept eating and never had to stop

June 28th (cheerleaders?)

We were in school, and by we i mean like every single person I know. We her all in uniforms and cheerleading because i really have no clue why. Jeremy and I started to salsa but then I got swung around and Morgan Katey Kaileen and Lexi all stood around me and started screaming at me. They kept saying how bad of a friend I was and telling me everything I did wrong. I went to Jeremy to talk to him about it but he just replied with, "maybe they're right, maybe you're just an awful friend". Then he got mad at me and I ran into the cafeteria of my elementary school and *boy1* saw that I was upset and bought me a cookie. I woke up.

June 27th (nada)

hello all, sorry i have not been blogging for a few days. I really haven't dreamed much. Monday night I did not sleep at all. Went to bed at 4am and woke up at 8am. Then last night i had very small pointless dreams with no real symbolic message i don't think. Unless the message is, "your hamster is going to die soon". and if thats the case, well crap. 




anyways, i'll try to sleep tonight and dream some awesome metaphorically and philosophically confusing dream. :) 

June 25th (voices with a side of forgetfullness)

Most of the night consisted of the voices. Screaming, but in a different language or something cause i could not understand it at all. It was pretty annoying and then I got woken up by the loudest crash of thunder ever. So i basically almost peed my pants. 


--


The next dream was pretty bad but it's okay. Jeremy came home but didn't care to see me. It was like he forgot about me. He ignored me and goes on flirting with other girls etc. I wake up crying a few times. 


**but he is home today! nothing to fear! :) 

June 22nd (i couldn't even come up with a title for what happened last night)

I enter a room that looks like a music hall type thing. (probably because it is) Jeremy is having a break in the tour and doing a concert at home. I finally get to see him and everything is wonderful. Something happens and we have to spend the night. I sit with Jeremy watching TV and my parents appear out of nowhere and start yelling. Saying i'm immature, a slut, and worthless. I fight back and try to ignore them. But I end up taking Dad out in the hall to ask him why he hates me so much. We get in a huge argument and everything switches to a show i'm supposed to be in. Apparently I had been having breakdowns throughout the show because the director comes up to me and tells me that if I have one more screw up I have to leave. I get upset and vent to some girl I've never seen before and the director finds out and starts yelling. She screams and gets bigger and I get smaller. I run away and start hyperventilating. (in real life) I wake up. 




--second dream--


I fall back to sleep seconds later and realize I'm supposed to be at college. Everyone is going to Penn State while I am going to Australia for some reason, but I have to drive there myself. It's raining hard and very windy and I have to stay along this narrow road. A sign appears that says 'Keep Car to the Side because of Train Tracks' The train tracks are magnetic and if the car touches them they both burst into flames. I try as hard as I can to keep the car to the side but it keeps getting caught on the tracks. The car is on fire and I have to break the glass to get out. I start running away from the smoke figuring I can just walk there. I start climbing steps that are freakishly high. I wake up. 

June 21st (revenge of the x's and a horror film)

I stand in a sanctuary of some kind. It's white and gold and has a lot of steps everywhere but I can't tell exactly where I am. Number 1 appears and we start talking like we haven't seen each other in forever (which we haven't) Time goes really fast like days go by and we're still talking (like in a movie) He says he has to show me something and brings me to to a white room where a song is playing. I start crying because it was a song he showed me when we were together. We hug, he vanishes. I turn around and there stands number two. (he's taller, more attractive, but creepy as hell) I won't go into details but basically I get extremely taken advantage of. He turns into a sort of monster, and i have to run. I finally get to a door and I wake up.**

**I would like to note that I often have dreams of cheating, but in them I always wake up crying and while I'm in the dream I never want to cheat. So if you try and tell me that maybe I want to cheat to cheat on jeremy, no. I have already thought about this. but at no time in the dream do I ever actually want to cheat. EVER. so chill. i love him more than life itself. no worries. 

--second dream--

I'm at a party at my house but there are many people I don't know. During the party, there is some sort of killing off of people. Almost like a game. The last person to stay alive was the winner. The beings in charge would watch us from another room as our parents and family were picked off first. Then the souls and ghosts of our ancestors and relatives would appear to us in a room to tell us it was time to go. Once it was time to go you would catch on fire but feel no pain. You would disintegrate and then you lost the game. Everyone around me disappears until I am the second to last one. I wake up.  

June 20th (finally)

Well after about a week of not sleeping or dreaming, I finally slept last night. All night. No extreme dreams although I did have a few dreams that I happily slept through. Jeremy comes home and we spend the day together. It's a dull colored dream and we're dressed in 20's clothing. (don't ask i have no idea) We go out to see my grandparents but to get to their house we have to climb a multitude of steps that keep going and going. Finally we get to a long hallway. Basically things like this keep happening until I finally see my Poppy and Phedra (their dog). The rest of the dream reminds me a lot of an old 50's family. The men chat and watch the news while I make dinner and clean the kitchen. Strange but satisfying. I wake up. 

June 19th

I'm aware I haven't blogged very exciting things today but I actually haven't slept since Friday so there's nothing really to update you on except last night I had a small dream about putting Disney characters in chronological order and then having a large dinner with them in the attic of a camper. not taking my medicine to night hopefully that's the reason I haven't been sleeping.

June 18th (lucid dreaming)

I did it. I completed the first step of lucid dreaming: realizing i'm dreaming and that none of it is real. I was back at my old school again, in the lunchroom, talking to people that I haven't made amends with yet. They acted like we never fought. Then I went home to a party. The party included; Jeremy, his family, and a girl I will not name here. (but one i'm not too fond of) When jeremy walked through the door I remembered thinking about dreaming and then started wondering if this was a dream or reality. I knew it couldn't be reality because Jeremy is in Europe and doesn't come home until next Sunday and I knew there was no way(as much as I would love it) that he would come home early. I also realized this girl and him do not talk, so there is no way he would bring her to my house knowing I do not like her. I stopped the dream and told the people that they were not real. It helped put things in perspective for me but after that nothing else really happened. I couldn't control anything as much as I tried but I guess that takes practice. The next few dreams weren't as easy for me, I could not tell if they were real or not, nor do I think I even tried really. They were the embarrassing dream types: naked in front of hundreds of people, accidentally cheating. Awful, but not traumatizing. And I wake up. 

June 17 (insomnia)

haven't actually slept since I had the night terror. anxiety is kicking in right now as I pace around my basement in the middle of the night. took two Advilpm: not affective. hopefully I'll just collapse on the floor here soon.

June 17 (voices)

Sometimes when I don't sleep as soundly as other nights, I have a lot of short dreams. These dreams have no plot, no setting, only voices. My mind is black but the voices are loud and intense. They say my name over and over or they scream blood curdling screams that make my ears ring. I wake up but then go back to sleep and it happens all over again. This cycle repeats four or five times throughout the night. I wake up for good. 

June 13th (reoccurring dream)

I enter a building that I assume is a school because all of the people in it are former classmates and teachers. Once a year there is a day that is completely devoted to abusing me. I walk throughout the school not knowing what to expect when a boy slightly taller than I, whips me with a long thorny stick from behind. I turn around and the boy jabs me in the eye with the stick, I cry tears of red causing me to go partially blind. I continue running through the halls trying to hide. I find an empty room with a large desk in the center. I crawl underneath it but as soon as I get under it, it dissolves. A group of girls I have never seen before hold hammers. Each one takes turns throwing them at me. Five hammers fy at me breaking my nose and causing me to stumble, but I can't run away. Finally, a teacher of mine from elementary school comes in an the group becomes distracted as I run away. I run through the double glass doors almost outside when I am tripped and surrounded by ten or twenty people. They spit at me and kick me until my ribs break. (in past dreams, it ends here with me going into a coma and dying) I manage to crawl away and run to my car. The car won't accelerate as fast as I'd like it to but as least it moves. On the drive home, I can hear the screams of the people after me. White faces with black eyes stare at me in the rearview mirror. I finally come home to my parents waiting for me, the know what happens every year and say I must stay at the house until everyone is finished with me. It transitions to the next day back at school where everyone ignores everything that happened. I have a panic attack in a glass hallway and the people surround me again like the day before. They start closing in on me and I begin to hyperventilate. (in the dream, and in real life.) I wake up.