My Mind is a Washing Machine.

Let me tell you a little bit about this stupid bitch of a time called my panic attacks. Basically the whole thing is one giant cycle. It doesn't stop once it starts. So I literally am just spinning like clothes in a washing machine. If you could see my thoughts, you'd get dizzy. It starts with anxiety about anything really nothing relevant or important or worth getting anxious over. Just happens. Then comes the frustration that this keeps happening and that I really don't know how to stop it. The frustration leads to leads to wanting to reach out to someone and ask for help but then leads to feeling like no one wants to help. This leads to even more frustration. Which then goes back to anxiety. 

It doesn't stop. it's a great time. it pisses me off. I literally cannot get motivated to do anything. I cannot focus or even think clearly. So I'll sleep until it goes away. Then I will wake up and feel better. So i'll do this now. 


Goodnight. 


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“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
- Søren Kierkegaard,

We're all Mad Here

It has come to my attention that you can apparently have anxiety attacks while your sleeping. I ran out of pills and so I haven't taken them in about three days. At this point in time, I am the definition of mad. 

        It's amazing how well this medication actually works. A lot of doctors try and steer you clear of medication because it really does change your personality completely. I am a prime example of this. I'm sitting in class right now writing this because I cannot focus on anything. My mind almost feels like jello,  nothing is making sense and im extremely numb this morning. 
        When I'm on my meds, I'm a pretty bubbly person. I have the mood swings of a normal teenage girl but nothing super unusual. For awhile while I was taking my meds, I could have sworn that I was actually getting better. But as you can see from this post. I am not. Medication masks the symptoms. It does not solve the problem. 
       That seems really sad if you think about it but in all honesty I'd rather mask my symptoms, and people not think i'm insane rather than cry in class everyday and pass out for no reason. All in all, I just wanna take my meds. It sucks that I have to be completely different until I take them. I'm so different some people won't have anything to do with me until I take my pills again because I guess they're afraid of me when I breakdown. It sucks that very few people can handle me at my worst. 

Summary: Medication and being normal > No medication and being crazy. 
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“Are you crazy? It's a common phrase, I know. But it means something particular to me: the tunnels, the security screens, the plastic forks, the shimmering, ever-shifting borderline that like all boundaries beckons and asks to be crossed. I do not want to cross it again.” 
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted